Modern Manners in Arranged Marriage: The Etiquette of Asking (and Answering) Questions
M
Manasi KadamCertified Consultant
April 16, 2025
5 min
52 views
Because ‘Can you cook?’ isn’t just a question—it’s a red flag if you’re not careful.
In today's evolving arranged marriage landscape, first meetings are no longer just about ticking boxes. They're an opportunity to explore values, life goals, and compatibility. But here’s the catch: the way you ask matters just as much as what you ask.
Some age-old questions—like “Can you cook?” or “How much do you earn?”—don’t sit well with today’s modern men and women. They can come across as judgmental, transactional, or simply rude.
So how can you ask what really matters without being misunderstood?
Let’s decode the etiquette of questions in arranged marriage setups.
1. Don’t Make It an Interview
❌ Avoid:
“So, what are your hobbies?”
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
These sound robotic and rehearsed.
✅ Try:
“What do you love doing on weekends?”
“Have you ever done something spontaneous that changed your life?”
Let the conversation feel natural—not scripted.
2. Skip the Outdated: “Can You Cook?”
This question is not just domestic—it can come off as sexist.
✅ Instead ask:
“Do you enjoy experimenting in the kitchen or are you a takeout person like me?”
“How do you see daily responsibilities being shared in a marriage?”
It shows you’re looking for partnership, not help.
3. “What’s Your Package?” – A Rude Money Talk
Asking someone's salary in the first meeting is crass and transactional. It makes the conversation about worth, not values.
Try this instead:
“How important is financial independence to you?”
“How do you like to plan for the future financially?”
This opens the door to a mature, mutual discussion—without turning it into a job negotiation.
4. “How Many Relationships Have You Had?” or “Body Count?”
These questions are extremely personal and intrusive, especially during an initial meeting. They often come from a place of insecurity, not curiosity.
Why to avoid:
It implies judgment.It invades personal boundaries.It shows a lack of emotional intelligence.If trust builds over time, such topics may come up naturally. But it should never be a first-date interrogation.5. “Would You Be Okay Living with My Parents?”
Reframe it as:
“How do you feel about joint vs nuclear families?”“What kind of home environment are you most comfortable with?”It respects both partners’ comfort zones and allows honest sharing.
6. Ask With Openness, Not Expectation
🚫 Instead of:
“Do you plan to work after marriage?”“Will you adjust to my lifestyle?”✅ Ask:
“What are your thoughts on balancing work and family life?”“How do you see both partners supporting each other’s goals?”7. For Women (and Men) – Ask the Real Questions Too
It’s absolutely okay to ask:
“What are your career priorities?”“How do you handle disagreements?”“What does emotional support look like to you?”This isn’t being bold. This is being smart.
8. Know When to Zip It
Avoid questions like:
“Why are you still single?”“Do you believe in adjusting after marriage?”“Are you always this quiet/loud?”Politeness means reading the room and knowing when not to ask.
✅ Quick Etiquette Checklist
✔ Do
📝 Self-Reflection Exercise
Before your next meeting, ask yourself:
What values matter most to me in a life partner?
What non-negotiables do I have, and am I prepared to communicate them kindly?
How would I want to be asked these same questions?
💫 In Conclusion:
Etiquette is not about being fake or overly polished—it’s about respect. Respect for the other person’s time, individuality, and life choices. In arranged marriage setups, where tradition meets modern expectations, your words and tone can shape the course of a potential relationship.
So the next time you meet someone, ditch the clichés. Bring authenticity. Ask better questions. And above all, listen with an open mind.
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